Heir To Misfortune.

Well, it's been a while since I've been on here.

2011-05-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

Everything has changed.
I lost the one person I thought I'd always have and I'm pretty sure she doesn't care at all.
I messed us up when I was trying to fix me.
Why does this always happen?

"So no matter what I do from now on with my time,

2010-07-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

you will always stay here in my mind. I'm certain of this and I'm not certain of anything."

Today, I woke up and got ready for the day. I took the kids to school and dropped Jess off at work. I went to Wal Mart to get a few things, then to Jobs Plus to find a job. There are signs every where that tell you to turn your phone to silent or vibrate. So I did. I sat down and filled out my information. My phone kept buzzing. I ignored it. I had to be professional.
I got back to my car, pulled out of the parking lot, and opened my phone. There was one text message that I got 6 times. From Libby. "Ricky killed himself this morning."
I knew he'd been fucked up the night before, so I assumed it was a joke. Like "I drank so much last night I think I killed myself."
She called me crying.
It wasn't a joke.
It wasn't a rumor.
It was real life and my world ended.
I pulled over and talked to her, begging her to tell me it wasn't true. "Don't fuck with me like that, it isn't funny."
I drove by his house and there were so many cars in the driveway.
There's never any cars there.
I sat outside and screamed at the windshield and cried on the steering wheel until I couldn't see or breathe.
I called Niki and begged her to tell me it wasn't true. She didn't know.
I went to the school and looked for Ricky. I wanted more than anything for him to come around the corner and smile "Hey Snookums!"
But then I saw Vickie and she was crying and Mr. Dunn had announced it to the whole band.

So this is it. My best friend is dead.

He took too many Ambien, freaked out, and hung himself.
Just like that.

I don't think I've accepted it yet.
Accepting it makes it too real.

So many times, I thought my world was ending.

2010-05-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd lost everything.
I thought I couldn't go on living anymore.
I thought "This is the worst my life will ever be."
I thought I knew what it was to lose someone you loved.
I was positive I knew what it was to be given up on.
I thought I'd experienced heart break.
But none of it compared to my best friend telling me she didn't care anymore and it was my fault.
That's when I saw my world explode.
That's when I gave up.
She was the only one who ever cared, no matter what.
The only one I trusted when they said forever and always.
The only one I could rely on for anything at any time.
And now she's gone, just like everyone else.
I've pushed her away.
A thousand promises, broken.
Everything, meaningless.
All because of these stupid moods.
And these goddamn addictions.
And these fucking illnesses.
And everything I can't control any more.

"Nothing is static. Everything is falling apart."

2010-04-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many times I've written about change. Good and bad.
But this is different. This isn't just change. This is everyone going in different directions.
We're all becoming who we promised we wouldn't.
Even me.
I don't know if I should try to fix it or just let life evolve.
I mean, this is what happens, right?
We all go our separate ways.
Some of us get boyfriends and fall in love.
Some of us hate our families or everyone.
Some of us move away.
Some of us die.
And some of us get addicted to being a mess.
I never thought there would come a day when you didn't mean the world.
But I've realized that everything changes.
Everyone leaves.
No promise goes unbroken.
We all fall in and out of love.
We all get hurt.
And eventually, we're all forgotten.

When things get weird,

2010-03-01T18:32:00.000-08:00

I come here.

I'm kind of getting the whole being too dramatic thing. It isn't worth it anymore.
I just want to love and live and drink in peace. Do you get it?
I miss people.
I wish some of them would change.
And I still love them.
But I'm meeting new people and I like this.
They're brand, shiny new.
I think it's what I need.

I'm looking back,

2010-01-13T05:36:00.000-08:00

at the old posts about Jeramy that were exactly a year ago. It's weird how much the same I feel. I thought things had changed, but they haven't. Not really. I think I'm just better at dealing with them. Maybe not even that. I still love him, despite everything he's done. It's true and unjustified and I can't have any of it. But I'll be okay. It isn't so bad.

Incidentally, I hope things clear up, soon. I can't handle seeing you sad like this. It isn't normal. It isn't the you I know.
I promise you, best friend, things will get better. Simply because I can't see them getting any worse. And you're too wonderful for them to stay this bad.
Don't think you're an awful person, because you're not. You're absolutely lovely. You made some mistakes, but you learned from them.
And I swear that I'll always be here. At the other end of the phone, or, if you need me bad enough, at your front door.
It's gonna be okay. <3

Well,

2009-11-18T05:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged on here in a while.
Things are changing.
Every time I turn around, something's different.
But I'll be here for a while: heyheybethy.tumblr.com

I'm falling back in love with life.

2009-10-04T12:30:00.001-07:00

I just hope it sticks.

Seems like every time I get to be around you, I get happy for a time.
I think I'm being stupid.

"I've found the cure to growing older."

2009-09-15T03:44:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks are the most alive and infinite I've ever felt.
And I'm not lying when I say I finally feel okay.
I stopped faking it when I realized it was getting me no where.
I don't want to stop doing what we're doing because I'm scared of how I'll feel.
Winter's coming and you know how I always get when temperatures drop and skies clear.
November spawns a different monster every year.
And I'm trying to keep it inside me this time.
So I'm gonna keep drinking until I forget things.
And I'm gonna keep smoking my breath away.
And I'm gonna keep skipping classes I don't want to go to.
And I'm finally going to live like I've wanted to for so long.

Yes, I'm scared of where I'm going, but I'm even more scared of where I know I'll be if I stop.

Something about what we did

2009-08-09T07:15:00.000-07:00

Feels so wrong.
But so right at the same time.
It wasn't what I expected, but I'm not sorry.
And I can't bring myself to regret my decisions.
They were bad, yes.
That I'll admit.
But I wouldn't take it back.

We didn't plan this, but I hope it works out.

Best friend.

2009-08-09T07:14:00.000-07:00

I've never felt closer to anyone than I do you right now.
I fucking love you and trust you with my life and so much more.
Don't ever leave me because promise I won't ever leave you.
I love you.

"No, I'm not real. I never was."

2009-07-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

Physically and mentally, I've been constantly sick.
Dying with every chance I get.
Losing it.
If you knew half of what I know, you'd lock me up for good.
All promises moot.
You can't begin to sympathize.
Punching pillows, sweating bullets, and fighting back screams.
Skipping sentences because I think you're in my head.
"I can't rhyme.
I can't breathe.
I can't write.
I can't be.
There's terms and conditions to keep me from speaking.
Words and religions to keep me from living."
You think it's funny.
The way none of it's funny.
And the way nothing makes sense.
And you can't get it through you're pretty little head that I'm fucking sick.
And I hate the way you look at me like I'm faking every bit of this.
Like "it's all your fault."
You don't even understand how much it is.

I just wish you could be wrong about one thing.

"You're already the voice inside my head."

2009-07-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

I miss you.

2009-06-30T17:27:00.000-07:00

The door closed, forever changing her perspective of love. Every touch, kiss, hug, laugh was suddenly meaningless. It didn't make sense. Her head spun and her knees threatened giving up. Hate? Not possible. She raised her fist to knock again, but couldn't do it. Heartbreak on repeat. She moved her left foot back and then her right. A whole step away. Two more. One more step and she'd be out of the light. Out of his life. Is that what he'd said? She couldn't comprehend recent events. It didn't make sense.

"Medication for the kids with no reason to live."

2009-06-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

I can't begin to explain my reasoning.
There is none.
Method to my madness? Nope.
You're just not what I want.
But I'm in too deep to turn it around.
I've got to find my way out.
I've never lied about "I love you," more than I am now.
Or maybe I just can't yet.
I can't give love that I don't have.
But you've given me too much to take care of.
I'm trying.
Really, I am.
And that's why I'm still in this.
But everything's too familiar.
You are a cliché.
You're in love with the idea of love. Not me.
I can't see it being serious.
"Denial."
It's a possibility.
I know I can't love you like I loved him.
Not now, not ever.

I don't know what to do.

I've got nothing for you to gain.

2009-06-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to talk myself out of "I want to die" and back into "I'm just glad I'm alive."
I can't convince myself none of it's a lie.
Your words are pretty, and laced with sincerity, but I can't believe you mean it.
I don't see that it's possible.
We're on opposite ends of the spectrum.
You want everyone to know,
but I'm not so sure.
This isn't what I expected.
Automatic bliss, like before, maybe.
No more worries,
frowns,
breakdowns.
So maybe this isn't it.
Maybe you're not what I need.
Maybe I need someone to explain it to me.

"I wanna be your happiness."

2009-05-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do anymore. I've spent so long pretending I knew what to do and how to take care of this and myself and how to balance my brain, but this...this is terrifying. I don't know how to tell the ones who need to know because I don't know how they'll handle it. "You're a teenager." Yes. "You're crazy." Quite possibly. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of hiding it and getting frustrated with myself for not being able to control my brain. I want to rein it in and make it behave but it runs rampid and destroys every good thing. I want to feel okay. Not manic or depressed or scared. I want to be normal. I want to function normally with normal people. I want to be able to look you in the eye with out being afraid of you seeing it. I want to do things and not get upset. I want this not to be me. I just want it to all go the fuck away and leave me alone. And sometimes I want to not be alive anymore, but I know that's not an option and I could never.
But mostly, I want you to be able to look at me without seeing some psychopathic maniac behnd a shell of a girl.
Because that's all I see anymore.

2009-04-21T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am Jack's restless mind.

"You can't fight the tears that ain't coming."

2009-04-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past few nights curled up in the corner, ripping my hair out, and screaming through my fucking teeth trying not to disturb anyone. It's never been this bad. I've never been this downright fucking perplexed at my own brain. I don't know when or why it started again. But it's worse now. I haven't cried because I'm sad. I've cried because I'm pissed off at myself. Nothing makes sense. Nothing fits. Nothing is right. My moods are constantly swinging and I want to stop it but I don't know how. I want everything I had two weeks ago. I want to be happy and not angry all the time. I feel like that mouse standing on the flower pot in the water. If he sleeps, his falls in. He suffers. He has to stay awake to survive. Maybe that's overdramatic, but it's what I mean. Nobody FUCKING understands and I'm sick of being told they do. I'm sick of people trying to tell me how to handle it when they don't know what they're handling. I can't just go to sleep. I can't just be happy. It won't be alright. I don't want your pity or help. I just want to be left the fuck alone. I want to wallow and rip my hair out on my own. I don't want comfort or a pat on the back. It's not FUCKING helping. No one can help me. Of that I am convinced. I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry.

Back to wallowing.

Things have changed for me.

2009-04-09T13:21:00.000-07:00

Maturity is necessary for the way we live.
Emotional rollercoasters.
Up and down and down and up and upside down then right side up again.
Parents teetering on the edge of sanity, threatening to take us with them.
Unfinished plans we keep remaking.
And "You're only 16 once." But also "Grow the hell up, kid."
Not sure where we go from here.
How do we decide what to do with what we've spent so much time doing and redoing?
I couldn't stand to walk away from everything I've put so much time, love, and care in.
Maybe I speak for myself only.
Can't leave it behind but it's not really a question.
Mandatory, maybe. But more like a request.
Like "I want you to clean your room."
Responsibility on our shoulders that we can't stand.
That we didn't ask for.
That we don't WANT.
The solution is simple, really, if you think about it.
GET OUTTA TOWN.
Incidentally...we don't know how.

Ps. I don't think it's a question of knowledge, I think it's more to do with gut.

Sorry, this wasn't poetic or pretty. That's something that I seem to have lost touch with. It's just something that's been on my mind lately.

As of late

2009-03-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have been absolutely and totally unsure of everything except for the fact that I am okay.
I do not want to die.
I do not want to hurt myself or anyone else.
I don't care if I was just a week long fling.
I don't care if you don't like me.
I don't care if I piss you off.
It doesn't bother me that I'm fucking psycho.
Or that I'm not gorgeous.
I'm not happy with the way things are, but I'm content.
It will do until it gets better.
And the best part is that I know it will get better. It always will.
I love my friends,
I love my family,
And I love who I am.
All you need is love, right?
:)

No sleep for the crazies.

2009-03-03T02:27:00.000-08:00

I'm positive that I am absolutely insane.There are voices and they talk to me. More frequently than ever before. The always want to kick me off the committee. "What fucking committee?" and then they laugh and drift away. I'm not sure what that means. They don't like me. But sometimes there's a little boy calling for help. He's screaming in French "Je désolé!" I don't know how to help him though and I don't know what he's sorry for. The other ones just laugh at him. This pained, tortured laugh. It isn't funny.
Does this sound far fetched? It's the complete truth. 100%. My mind is turning into a different world and I am stuck in it.
And on top of the schizophrenia, there's the up and downs. I don't know whatwhohowwhyorwhen they started but lately I've been all over the place. Sometimes I love everything and everyone but five minutes later I'm fileting my arms and legs. I gotta take the pills to make my brain behave. It only works a tiny bit.
Then there's the most recent development. Paranoia. I can't sleep because I'm scared of dying. I cant take a shower because I could slip and fall. Everyone I love ignores me and hates me. I'm a mistake and I can't do a thing right. I will never amount to anything. I will be nothing. Nobody.

This isn't a bad case of melodrama. This is my brain laid out and disected for your observance.
Yes, I'm terrified you'll turn on me and lock me up.
But I'm sick of keeping quiet because it's making me sick.
Physically and mentally.

"Should I just get along with myself? I never did get along with anybody else."

2009-03-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

They say the average person spends 7 years of their life waiting.
On other people. On themselves. On absolutely nothing.
I'm sure I have beat the norm because I never stop waiting.
For you. For him.
Someone I will never get.
But I keep waiting and waiting.
Like maybe eventually Jesus will feel sorry for me.
Pity party of 1, your table is ready?
Close, but no cigar.
I'm going to waste my life waiting because I refuse to quit.
I want nothing but to be okay.
And if I have to wait forever and the next day, them I'ma pull up a chair.
Don't know when but a day is gonna come.
It's on its way, I swear it.
Don't waste your breath arguing with manics.
There's no point.
You gotta breathe with that shit, kid.
Leave me be.
Let me believe it.
Let me fool myself some more.
I'm sure you think I'm a nut case.
And I'm sure that if they ever knew what I really meant,
They'd lock me up and throw away the key.
Scary? I think so.
I'm not normal.
But finally, it doesn't bother me in the least.
There are voices that no one else hears.
And highs and lows that no one has quite figured out.
But I've got love.
And I am nothing without that love.

Where are my manners? I'm so off topic.
Incidently, I am still waiting for them to lock me up for talking to no one.

Sometimes it's okay to be okay.

2009-02-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

I just gotta figure out how, who, and why.
But thanks for sticking around in the mean time.
I love your love and I am thankful.
Maybe I don't say it, but it's true.
And I am thankful to be alive.
And I am thankful you're at my side.
But I'm a hypocrite because honestly,
I really just want to lay down and die.
But I love you, I do.
I do I do I do.
So I can't.
Can't lay down to die.
Not without you.
Not without you at my side, too.

im thinkin of quittin.

2009-02-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

cos sometimes living is just too dam hard.
too much work and not enough reward. yknow.
well im sorry in advance.
i know i promised you id stay, but i cant.
now dont get me wrong, youve been good to me.
youre the best ive ever had and im lucky you found me.
dont blame yourself for something you couldnt help.
you tried, but i didnt.
i never really wanted to win.
but i didnt think id quit.
i guess you never really know how low you can get til you hit that rock with your head.
i should focus less on eloquency and more on gettin dead.
i think it will be beautiful.
peaceful.
and quiet.
and i just wont exist.
and i hope you understand why i did it.
and i hope you know how to forgive.
you cant stay mad over necessary action.
ill try and keep in contact.
through a camera lens or broken glass.
please dont worry, its all in the cards.
and i swear to you, god, and the dog that i wont go far.

ps. im not gonna do it. i aint got the guts to leave you.

turned off the lights but couldnt convince my head it was bed time.

2009-02-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

back to an involuntary insomnia. and all i want is to be named number one. but it keeps me up at night. keeps me going. less like a reason to live. more like the energizer bunny. cant stop, wont stop. i want to rewind the tape to when you might have cared. hands up shirts and fingers in belt loops. your lips held back my words. eyelashes kissed off everything i wanted to say. truth is im terrified of human contact, but i cant stand to sleep alone. i only wish it were you beside me and not an empty pillow. or someone at all. its like when you havent had water in a weeks and it sprinkles. then stops. its hard to pretend i dont give a fuck. i do more than youd ever guess. everybody cares, everybody understands. except when youre curled up on the tile heaving. no one seems to notice that. the shakes and blank stares. look in the mirror. choke back tears. lie to me and say its gonna be alright. quoteonquote. you keep me alive.

When theres nothing left to live for or no life left at all,

2009-02-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

whats keeping you here? I mean, what are you waiting for?
No ones coming around to calm you down.
And theyre bored to death of cheering you up.
And sometimes its hard to pretend you give a fuck.
So you chase the pills with the alcohol and pray to god that no one notices.
And maybe he hears you, but whos to say.
He still a sadist either way.

i will never believe in anything again.

2009-01-19T07:17:00.000-08:00

nothing is ever what it seems.
you were another of gods cruel jokes.
and i think somewhere in me, i knew it all along.
truth be told, i wont miss you.
i will miss being happy.
i will miss thinking someone cared.
but i wont miss you.
you were merely another lie i told myself.
a glitch in the system.
reality is never really happy.
no one ever lives happily ever after.
love is not real.
"love is just an excuse to get hurt."
and to hurt someone.
pleasure comes from watching others smile and knowing you can change that with a few words.
i dont want an explenation, because i know what it was for.
i meant nothing. again.
i was something to keep yourself busy with while you waited.
its okay.
i can erase every word with a pill.
i can mend ever scar with a cut.
but i refuse.
i dont want anything like you.
i want better.

last night i saw my world explode.

2009-01-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

stupid and naive only begin to describe how ive been acting.
im sorry i didnt listen.
i actually thought it would last.
but im right back at the beginning.
back on the pills and chronic unhappiness.
codependency isnt pretty.
as you may have noticed.
i need to sort things out.
i need something to make sense.
"consistency is key."

12 days.

2009-01-12T20:05:00.000-08:00

thats how long ive been okay.
no pills. no tears. no misses.
just smiles. butterflies. and kisses.

i want you to have this too.
i want us to both be simultaneously okay.
id give anything for it.

i love you bestfriend. and thank you for this.

"turn off the lights and turn off the shyness, cause all of our moves make up for the silence."

2009-01-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

no i told you so. no let down.
just too shy to be forward around other people. i dont mind too much.
its been far too long since ive fallen asleep in someones arms.
dont think anyones even ever held me like they cared.
save you.
for once, though, i felt safe enough to sleep.
no nightmares. no scary thoughts.
just safe.
im okay for once.
i just hope it lasts.

flipped-turned upside down.

2009-01-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

I am getting my hopes up. but at the same time, i expect to get let down.
its okay, though. im starting over.
yknow. out with the old, in with the knew.
maybe this will work.
maybe it wont.
but ill never know if i dont try.
ive spent too long waiting. i have got to make an effort.
im not going to sit around and hate me and life anymore.
im living and loving for the first time in a long time.
just give me a chance.
i promise i wont hate you when you tell me "i told you so."

i cant remember

2009-01-02T03:36:00.000-08:00

the last time i stayed up all night because i had someone on my mind that i didnt mind being there.
how can things change so drastically?
im not sure, but im happy they did.
im happy he cares.
im happy i have my best friends.
im happy i have my family.
im happy im finally happy.
i hope this sticks.

here is my heart. hold onto it.

2009-01-01T23:41:00.000-08:00

i am happy right now. and optimistic. and i hope this will last.
this year is our year.

2008-12-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

"I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place"

spent lastnight lying on the bathroom floor

2008-12-27T05:44:00.000-08:00

poisoned half to death and unmoving.
i might die from medication, but i sure killed all the pain.
im not sorry yet. i dont want you to forgive me.
i am a fake. i am a scam. i am the worst thing anyone could put love into.
i just want a moment of happy without the guarantee of immediate sad.
the lights always out when its my time to shine.
"ive opened up so many clams but only found sand inside."
i dont feel sorry for you anymore.
if i dont get a break, neither do you.
no one gets my love if i cant have some back.
im going to stick around.
i will exist without living.
i will try to function normally, but i dont want to interact.
i know what people think. i know what you think.
there is something wrong with me.
maybe youre right.
maybe i should fix it.

givelovethentakeitawaynooneevershares.

i swear tnat im dying

2008-12-26T22:34:00.000-08:00

slowly, but its happening.

i know how to fix everything.

Once upon a time...

2008-12-24T21:04:00.000-08:00

There was a boy and a girl. Their names were Madalyn and Mikey. They grew up in a tiny town called Sematton in a tiny state called New Jersey. One day in second grade, Madelyn threw a rock at Mikey and he cried. Teacher made Madelyn walk Mikey to the nurses office. She sat with him. They became friends.
Another day, in sixth grade, Madelyns boyfriend dumped her. Mikey was there and he loved her. He held her while she cried.
In ninth grade, Mikey made a new friend. His friend was fun, but mean. He made Mikey sick and got him in trouble. Madelyn didnt care. She loved Mikey.
Two years later, in 11th grade, Madelyn made a big mistake. It got bigger in a few months. Mikeys friend helped Madelyn. He made things beter and more fun.
But Madelyns mistake suffered. Her mistake died before it lived.
Madelyn and Mikey couldnt live without Mikeys friend.
But Mikeys friend didnt want them to live.
He rotted their brains and stomachs and made them crazy. He made everything bad and scary.
Then one day Madelyn and Mikey died.

Merry Christmas, I could care less.

2008-12-24T20:04:00.000-08:00

Getting into the Christmas spirit is always fun.
Getting out is even better.
It gets less and less exciting each year and eventually it will blow hard.

I am not excited for anything anymore. Got this new no one really gives a shit outlook on life. Cos no one really does. Realization is key....but Im not sure to what lock.

"Santa cant come til you go to sleep."
We should go to sleep and maybe progress will be made.

We are mandatory players in a pointless game. We are a glitch in the mind of a meaningless man.

Bloody, soapy bathwater.

2008-12-23T09:59:00.000-08:00

I feel insane.
Im running low on love. Refill me. Im almost on empty.
Something isnt right in my mind.
Im incapable of functioning as the rest of society.
Ive given up on trying to find you.
I will wait patiently.
I will go crazy(er)
I will play games and tell stories.
Make everything a little more inocent with my puns.
Nothing is the same when you turn around.
Dont look back! Dont look down!
Where was I going?
With this, I mean.
Or maybe just in general. I cant tell.
Im so sorry, but not really.
HEY GUESS WHAT. I SECRETELY HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

Shes got issues and theyre all the emotional kind.

It's not what it seems in the land of dreams.

2008-12-21T08:26:00.000-08:00

Don't worry your head, just go to sleep.

all i want for christmas is you.

2008-12-21T02:08:00.000-08:00

ahahahaha.

im another one of gods jokes.

2008-12-21T02:02:00.000-08:00

this time my tricky dream was different. i raided someones refrirator of six different kinds of alcohol, then went to school drunk.
i like to sleep because my dreams are better than my reality.
im back on the pills and the blade.
it makes me feel better. im sorry.
i want it to be okay again. i want to fix it.
"im a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart..."
i am not well.

I hate tricky dreams.

2008-12-20T02:45:00.000-08:00

i thought i wasnt alone anymore. he was singing to me. whoever the hell he is. im unsure. but he was there beside me as the world crumbled around us. i want to go back and live there forever. it was okay.

i just want a chance.

im gonna show you how were all alone.

2008-12-19T14:55:00.000-08:00

i cant stand this anymore. it hurts so unbelievably bad, but im scared to say anything because i dont want to bring you down. i love you. i love that youre happy.
but its not fair that im the only one who never gets to be happy.
im hated for absolutely no reason. and i do care. i do.
i wish i didnt, but i do.
no one will ever love me, because i cant love myself.
i dont know what to do anymore.
i dont know how to handle it.

Im not the one that you want.

2008-12-17T18:46:00.000-08:00

Ill only let you down.

doesnt matter how many people are around, i still feel completely alone. maybe its nomal, maybe its not. i just want someone like everyone else. i want to be loved by someone other than the ones who love me most. i am selfish, i know. im a monster. nonexistant self esteem. liar. unloyal. disrespectful. ugly. name it and ive been named it. i only get i love you when i cry. pitiful. pathetic.
boycott love.
love never wanted me.
i dont do too well on my own.
i will never believe in anything again.
when it all goes to hell...
i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive, now i only waste it dreaming of you.
why put a new address on the same old loneliness, when talkings just a waste of breath and livings just a waste of death.
i get it.

please dont tell me you feel the same way, because i know you dont.

my faith has been restored.

2008-12-16T19:02:00.000-08:00

in nothihg but them.
no matter what happens, these boys will always have my heart.

what a match; im half doomed and youre semi sweet.

2008-12-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

and im only scared of losing you.

everything is so cliche these days.
put her down or fix her.
but if im gone i wont have you.
doesnt it just make you sick
the way mayhem applies to love
and everything in between.
i dont understand half of what i go through,
let alone what i put you through.
im sorry for the wasted nights, breath, and tears.
but it wasnt it vain.
i dont always mean every word i say,
but i love you is never a lie.
someday well look back and know it was naive but i want the world to end before we do.

dont tell me about true fucking love. ive spat and punched and bled for it. now i want to curl up and sleep inside of it.

im keeping up with the moon on an all night avenue.

2008-12-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

you keep my mind alive at night. can we make it all about me this time? the headaches and stomachaches aint got shit on heartache. i dont want you around if this is what it takes. i wake up everyday and sigh because i didnt want to see the sun rise. and ill hate every second that it shines. cant give up because theres still too much time. my clock is ticking down, just not quite fast enough for my taste.

im constantly nauseaus these days.

im other side of the pillow cold (hearted)

2008-12-13T05:16:00.000-08:00

you make me want to lay still. cant tell which way is up and which is down when im under water standing on my head. please tell me where to go because ive lost control. point me in the direction of affection; i have none. let me see you undress your mind. let me in. hold me tight. if only you could see me on the most lonely nights. in the bathroom floor with my face in the porcelain. pills only work if theyre in yr stomach. i lost my way at such a young age. no one ever put me back on the street, but i was up all night watching the cars speed away.

"I'm a nervous wreck.

2008-12-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

The drugs just make me reset."

2008-12-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

I have a secret.

breakdown.

2008-12-07T00:09:00.000-08:00

Im not totally sure where things went wrong, but i know at some point they did. nothing is okay. nothing feels right. everyone only says they care because if they dont, someone might get hurt. im not sure of anything anymore. who i am or where i stand. all i know is i want you to be here and you never will. im tired of caring when no one cares back. the li/oving only makes me sick. dont count on me to get tnrough this. the yelling and the suicide attempts and pills and cigarettes are all ill ever know. dont blame it on bad luck if thats all weve got. in sorry for everything. lies and laughs i didnt mean. i cant undo a thing. please help me. i cant remember the words or i could really make this hurt. for a second i imagined someone else was there. it wasnt you. she was a christian and she didnt care. i never want to exist without you by me. this just doesnt feel like home anymore. tell me im not crazy anymore.

Don't make a promise you can't keep.

2008-12-05T22:42:00.001-08:00

I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night and learn that you tried to kill yourself again.
What happened to that double promise we made?
"You'll never lose me as long as I have anything to do with it. I give you my word."
We both said it. Apparently you didn't mean it.
You PROMISED me I'd never lose you. You can't do this.
You can't break a promise like that.
You can't leave me.
I don't want that phone call.
I don't want you to stop existing.
I can't ever breathe if you don't.
I'm so scared of finding out you're dead.
I can't handle it.

"As long as there's one person there who loves me, I can stay alive. Love really is powerful."

You told me that afterwards. I wish you'd think like that all the time.
Love runs deeper than anything. I've seen it. I've slept in the middle of it.
It hurts fucking way worse than anything ever, but it saved you.
Love can save you.

You are more than I bargained for. But I love you.
Please don't leave me alone.
<3

The wind is a monster.

2008-12-05T04:14:00.000-08:00

A jealous one. He wants no more than to steal your body heat and run with it. He has none of his own and what he steals is gone in a matter of seconds. Melted into the air. His surrounding pupils that jab and tease him. They tell him he is too thin and loud. Too easy to predict. They tell him he is a deceitful monster. Just like me.

Not sure this made any sense, I just woke up. Almost at school.

Things are changing.

2008-12-04T18:26:00.000-08:00

We're growing up and I don't want it.
I want the experiences and fuckups.
The one night stands and wasted nights.
But I don't want to ever forget about the people who make me smile.
...and I know I will.
It scares the shit out of me that I've only got two years left.
Two years to make it or break it.
Two years to do whatever the fuck I need to do.
Two years to fall in and out of love.

We're going to lose more people.
There will be more funerals.
Some of which we may sit in the front row of.

There will be days where we wake up and won't know what we did.
We will cry.
We will freak out.
We will buy pregnancy tests.

Guys will dump us.
We will dump them.
We will cry again and realize that we don't know what love is.

And then we will grow up.
And things will get more tragic.
And things will hurt worse.
And we will cry more.
Our parents will die.
We will get pregnant.
We will have car accidents.
We will fall in love.
And then back out.
We will remember.
And then forget.
We will make life altering decisions.

We will live.
And then we'll die.

Fuck.

2008-12-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

Sign your soul on the dotted line just to say you're mine.
But we're both lying about being happy.
So fall in love or fall apart.
Hold hands or hold grudges.
I'm a stitch away from making it...
you know the rest.
Sorry I've been so mean lately.
My mind has been elsewhere.
I hope it comes back soon.
And to be honest, I'll probably never forget.
I know I should.
Give up my biggest regret.
But I won't.
I'll keep building onto my nightmares.
I'll see you there.
I want mistakes worse than the one I made two years ago.

Blades, blood, tears, and guts are all I've got anymore.

"How to Draw a Picture.

2008-12-03T20:00:00.000-08:00

Start with a blank surface. It doesn't have to be paper or canvas, but I feel it should be white. We call it white because we need a word, but its true name is nothing. Black is the absence of light, but white is the absence of memory. The color of can't remember."

-Stephen King.

I'm in if you're in.

2008-11-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

Regrets and mistakes are what teenagers are made of and sadly, we're loosely held together.

Let's do this shit.

Making plans.

2008-11-28T23:34:00.001-08:00

Breaking plans.

Soon enough, I will disappoint you.

My kids will get picked on.

2008-11-27T20:02:00.001-08:00

Girls: Kadri Koren, Lacey Jane, Adelae Belle, Karis Paige.
Boys: Jax Avery, Xander Faris, Jasper Sullivan, Eli Zabe.

Not even kidding.

Rest in Peace, Mitch Kertis. <3

2008-11-27T05:40:00.001-08:00

I didn't really know you that well, but I'm going to miss seeing you at school.
And I'm sure everyone else will too.
Pep Rally's and football games won't be the same if you're not there.
Monday is going to be hell.

I hate God.

Because of you.

2008-11-23T22:48:00.000-08:00

I have only ever cried over two boys.
One didn't know he was hurting me and the other didn't care.
Both of which I would've given my heart to.
One of which I did.
I can't begin to explain how much he ruined me.
Maybe you noticed the way that I can't listen to select songs without breaking down.
Or the way that everything reminds me of him.
I'm sorry that I'm dwelling on this, but it hurts.
And if I never get over it, I can never move on.
I can't let anyone else in.
I can't be what anyone expects.
I can't make it through the day without taking some sort of medication.
I don't care about anything anymore.
I want to fuck things up, solely because I can't see any proof of them getting better.
I want someone to hold me again.
I don't want to be told "It'll happen someday." because I'm not sure it will.
Are you listening?
Do you know what it means to me when you tell me to stop taking the pills?
It'd be like if I told you to stop talking with your hands.
You could do it, but it'd be hard as hell.
It annoys other people, but doesn't really bother you.
It's who you are.
Who you have been.
This is what I am and will be.
I am composed in public and a wreck behind the scenes.
I hold it together long enough to make it home.
I don't feel ashamed and I won't apologize. Not again.
I'm ashamed of my past.
But not of this.
I am shiny new.
More medicated, but held together nontheless.
I have cracks on the surface and big, gaping holes underneath.
I know what you've been through and I know it hurts.
You deal with it differently.
I'm not that strong.
I am a user and a liar and I'm selfish.
But I love you.
There are four people I know I would give my life for and you make the list.
Thank you for sticking out the rounds.

I'm so sorry.

2008-11-20T21:21:00.000-08:00

I can feel the drugs in my veins. The consistency of the beating is oddly comforting.
Sorry I fucked everything up.

Elliott Smith's death was ruled a suicide, but her story just doesn't sound right. More like an aggravated attack and accidental homicide.

All anyone ever knows of me anymore is drugged out and unreal. The new me. Version 2.0
I do love you, you know. It's the truest thing I've ever said.

Please don't give up on me.

Time for bed.

Morning eyes meant ony for you wake up to nothing. Close them back. Roll over. Try again later.

I only want back something I never had.

2008-11-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I don't want to grow up.
I want to sleep on my sister's couch and sneak out at night.
I want to bum money from my parents and never do homework.
I'm scared of leaving you behind.
I'm scared of being left behind.
I'm in love with everything and everyone at this very moment.
And I wouldn't change a thing.
And yes, I know I've changed.
Who I am is now a twisted, medicated version of who I was.
Disproportionate to the size of the problems.
I don't want to promise you that I won't ever make regrettable mistakes, because I don't like to lie to you.
And I can't tell you I'll get better eventually, because I'm pretty sure I'll only get worse.
But I promise I won't disappear or fall out of your life.
Willingly.
Because when I say I love you, I mean it.
and this is more than just needing a friend.
This is not being able to live without you.

<3

P.s. I'm sorry if I ever disappoint, worry, or stress you out.

There's only a breath between us.

2008-11-16T01:25:00.000-08:00

But I love you the same. Please don't ever let any of this go, even when we forget about each other.
Even when we don't know each other anymore.
And there's nothing left but a late night under a black sky.
Don't forget the tears and faced fears.
One day we will be nothing but memories in troubled minds.

Je ne crois pas en amour ou Dieu ou pour toujours.

You're onlu two and you've already got night terrors.

2008-11-15T21:15:00.000-08:00

I wish I could make them go away. I'd do anything if I could.

"Something Vague."

2008-11-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

Dye the water red. Don't forget to clean up your mess.

I really want to know you're okay, because right now, I am scared that you're not.
I know how it feels to want to die. Believe me, I've been there a few times. But I also know how it feels to not know whether best friend is alive or dead or in between.
And so do you.
Don't do this to me.
I love you.

"Two pills just weren't enough. The alarm clock's going off, but you're not waking up. This isn't happening."

"Comin' outta my cage and I've been doin' just fine."

2008-11-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

Truth is, I wish I were you.

Dysfunction.

2008-11-10T22:03:00.000-08:00

Pillows and pills piled around your head. Just rest now.
Take them one by one.
At around half past 5, my eyelids start to burn.
And then they close.
This is not a plea for attention, it is a remedy to breathing.
I will not stop or slow down.
I will speed up with my heart.
I'm running out of time, breath, and prescriptions.
There's a secret I won't tell.
There's something you don't know.
If I don't tell, you'll never know.
I wish you didn't have to pretend to understand.
I stopped playing fake when I realized it only made everything worse.
Open up your sleepy eyes. This is a game.
I am winning.
You are not.

A list of songs to listen to when you're alone in the dark:

2008-11-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

Free Fallin' - Tom Petty
How's it Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
A Fond Farewell - Elliot Smith
Sullivan Street - Counting Crows
My Life - The Game
Love Like Winter - AFI
Lua - Bright Eyes
Bother - Stone Sour
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
Grand Theft Autumn acoustic - Fall Out Boy
Good Riddance - Green Day
Winter - Bayside

I'll probably add more later, but for now...go cry alone in the dark or something.

Honestly.

2008-11-05T20:16:00.000-08:00

"Dear Lord, you've done took so many of my people
But I'm just wonderin' why you haven't taken my life
Like what the hell am I doing right?"

I'm scared I'm going to come home and find you dead some day. Please stop, mommy. I need you. I know I act like it doesn't bother me, but it really does. It hurts so bad. I'm so scared of losing you. It makes me sick. You were doing so well. No alcohol, no drugs, nothing. Two years. What happened? Maybe probation was good. Maybe you need to be arrested again. You're not invincible. No matter how much I need you to be, you're just not. I love you too much to let you lose again.

Dysthymic.Insomniatic.Sociopathic.Psychotic.Dysphoric.Manic.

2008-11-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

Please, PLEASE, stop calling me crazy.
I'll settle for any of the above, except crazy.

This whole life thing has gone to your head.

2008-11-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

It never really mattered.
We could keep up the lie for ever and a day without a mistake and no one would ever know how hard we worked.
And they don't care.
I fill the space that's inbetween insane and insecure.
There's something about this hurt that makes me want to stay.
No amount of blood spilled can make you understand
that what I don't say is what makes the most noise.
It rattles and shakes inside me and breaks things and me.
It will rip apart my heart and lungs and chest.
Just to get to you.
I've held it captive and won't let it out.
Light and food starved for unborn centuries.
So later you can hold onto an unheld piece me.
You crack the jokes but "don't mean" them.
You spit rehearsed lines and hateful words.
I want to hug you goodbye someday.
I don't want to scream at you while you walk away.
Everyone walks away.
And I don't understand quite why.
But everyone walks away...

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

2008-10-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

It's truly the only time I ever feel okay about myself. Only two more hours.

2008-10-28T19:50:00.001-07:00

"In order to exist, man must rebel."
-Albert Camus

I am the "who" when you call "Who's there?"

2008-10-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

Halloween is my favorite time of year. I just wish you were here. We could scream and scare poeple when it gets dark.
I over did it again. 6 this time. I'm waiting for the day when it's just one too many.
Oh, don't worry. I'll take some more in the morning so I won't be too crabby when you see me tomorrow.
They're making me lose weight. Making me think. Making me sleep.
I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want to have to be medicated to be unconscious.
Maybe I should move into someone elses bed.
We could trade minds, too. But I don't want you stuck with this. And to be honest, I'd hate to have a mind like yours.
Even though it's probably better than mine.
This doesn't make sense, does it?
It's okay if you don't get it, but I'm not spelling it out for you.
I think the only reason you want me to get better is so you don't have to deal with it anymore.
"She's talking about me." Probably. I don't want to fight. I don't want to yell. I don't want to whisper "fuck you" everytime you turn around.
I just want you to GET IT.
No one does.
No one will.
And it's my fault because I won't say anything.
If you're letting me go, let me know so I can find someone else to hold onto. Don't just cut me off.

Got a case of the crazies.
I need to throw up.

Baby, the best ones are crazy.

2008-10-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

We mean a lot to the joke. Yes, I do love you.

I'm so sorry, but not really.

2008-10-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

Winter's creeping up on us and it's bringing memories with it.
Good and bad and I want them all back. I never thought I'd see this end.
But I think's it's coming sooner than we both expected. I will always love you, remember that.
What will we do when it's over? I don't want to see you walk away like them...
I'm not sure who I am or what I was, I just want to know who I'll become.
I'm scared to tell you the truth.
I'm scared to look you in the eye.
But I do love you, I promise.
I...promise.

On nights like these, I don't sleep at all.

Don't let this go.

2008-10-23T21:37:00.000-07:00

We're slipping away and other people are catching us. I'm sorry.

"Let love go.

2008-10-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

...it'll rage and then come back to you."

I painted clouds on a wall today and then imagined myself floating on them. I married a figment of my imagination because he's the only one that will ever love me. I wrote a song that I can sing and you'll never ever hear. I figured out that I'm no one and it makes me happy. I cried because the feeling is more natural than dry eyes. I let my body handle itself and my soul flew to France to meet someone else. I hugged my grandma with cancer and it was the most alive I've ever felt. I talked to someone all day about him because it makes me feel better. I forgot that you existed, if even for a minute. I laid down and watched hypothetical animals float over me. I stared at the sun until the tears dried up. I breathed in paint fumes as deep as I could and then laughed them off. I hugged a my heart and soul and he made everything okay. I have fallen back in love with the world, though it may only last a day.
"Thank you for staying steady. For never getting sick at sea."

I'm aware that you don't care, but you ould atleast humor me and pretend to.

2008-10-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

Why can't anyone ever love me?

"You'll be free child, once you are dead."

2008-10-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't eaten anything but pills all day and somehow I'm still okay. I tried to drown myself in warm bathwater and it sparked a thought. About how I almost drowned when I was young. I sank to the bottom and didn't come up. No one noticed, no one but another little boy. I heard him scream, but I couldn't move. And then I got pulled up. I wasn't conscious, I remember. Maybe I was, but they couldn't tell. It was then that I realized it would be a long time before I found someone who could care. I don't want all eyes on me, I just want someone to know I'm there. I'm hard to talk to. I take pills. I slip under water. I occasionally try to die. I know you mind, that's why you're not what I'm looking for. I want a glance when I do that, not a panic attack. I want a hand when I fall, not a gurney to wheel me away. The drugs don't bother me at all. You're quiet all the time just like me. We'll let the poets cry themselves to sleep and then we'll be unwell together. My ideas aren't that good, but they'll do until I get better ones. All I want is you to stick.

Let love go.

2008-10-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

Wonder where we'll be in 10 years.
Who we'll be with.
What we'll be doing.
I want to make a plan. A goal. A detailed one.
And I want it to come true.
But of cours it'll just be hypothetical.
You in?

I want to kiss you just because I'm sure your lips are poison.

2008-10-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

Cut my leg while shaving and just watched the blood pour into the ater. It didn't bother me and it didn't hurt in the slightest. I'm sliding headfirst back into this hole. Just cos it's that time of year. The one when all emotions except bad ones drain from me. Like a cow who's been hung up to bleed dry. The cold brings with it ice hearts and daggers. November spawns a different monster every year. And they always get scarier. Am I making sense? Please tell me I'm making sense.
I wish you were hear.
This has been said...too many times that I'm not sure if it matters.
and
The truth hurts worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you.
Both apply in this situation. Unfortunately.
I can't explain this physical pain.
Feels like I'm falling apart and I only wish you were here to hold me together.

"Anything goes when the pens almost out of ink and the midnight trainwreck fingers hop from key to key"

2008-10-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of all the fighting and yelling. All I want is quiet. You here with me. Buttons and typed words aren't good enough right now. Hold my hand, please. Hold me together. I don't know right from wrong from right from left. And I know I don't make sense, but just hang in there. Stick out the rounds and wait for the count. I won't give up on you if you don't. It's not the love that I need, but it's the best kind of love I'll ever have. Unconditional. You changed my life. And so did you. And you too. Can't drop names, sorry. I might trip.
I mean every word of this. Some of it is directed towards different "you's", but I mean it all.
Hold on to every word, because some of them are actually the truth. Like when I say I love you.

"They say the captain goes down with the ship...

2008-10-14T03:45:00.000-07:00

So when the world ends will God go down with it?"

New FOB song made me cry.

I seal deals with sleeping pills.

2008-10-12T19:23:00.000-07:00

Can't pull it together long enough to apologize and mean it. I just want you here again.
"I'm fine."
Total wreck.
Mind over matter.
Tune you out.
Turn this up.
Washed out with no wehre to go.
I don't want to go to sleep because I won't wake up.
Tell me I'm alright, again.
Tell me you're alright with this.
Who I am hates who I was.
I still look like I did on most nights,
just with more headaches, heartaches, and tears.
And less you.
Nothing to wake up to but blurry eyes and a race to the toilet
to spill my guts.
Then back to the keyboard to do it all over.
You don't love me or you'd care.
And you don't care because you're scared.
I can here the alcohol in her voice and it makes me worry.
And it makes me know that she's human still.
Yeah, I'm really letting myself go.
Your favorite passtime is making me fake-smile.
"Trace my thoughts, please. Color inside the lines and keep me sane."

"Oh, darling, I know what you're going through."

2008-10-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

I wish I could make everything better for you, darling. Truly. I do.

P.S.

2008-10-05T00:13:00.000-07:00

It's currently 2:14 am and I'm not sure you're alive...

...keeping me hopeless til I wake tomorrow...

2008-10-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

If I ever sleep.
I really do wish you were here, sis.
I know you're scared.
You tell me all the time.
It's okay, because I'm scared too...

I'm scared for you and for me.
I don't know what five years holds but I hope there's a fate better than what we expect.
If there's a fate at all.
I hope there is, but I've got this feeling...
...this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that we're not making it out alive.

Call me crazy, it doesn't bother me anymore. I've heard it enough.
But this is what I believe.

Will you listen to my heart and tell me yours doesn't beat stronger?

2008-10-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

I don't sleep.
It's part of not being human anymore.
I hope you don't mind.

How can I decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind?

2008-10-04T18:46:00.000-07:00

To be honest, I love you.
It's not who you think it is.
And you probably won't be able to guess.
So don't try.
No one knows.
No one will know.

I see what you are. Who you are.
You're different just like me.
You have secrets just like me.
You want to be loved and no one ever will.
Just like me.
I want to hold you together when you fall apart.

You don't see yourself for all that you are, but I do. I want to show you your reflection in my eyes. I need to know your mind.
I'm getting closer. I am. I swear it.
I see something in you. It might kill me, but I want it to be true.

You're not like anyone else I've ever met.

P.S. I think this is it. I found what I've been looking for...

More pain.

2008-10-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

It won't ever go away.
Feels like somethings ripping open my chest and tearing me to little shreds.
Make it stop.

2008-09-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

WHYISTHISHAPPENINGTOME? WHYAMIFALLINGAPART?

Sing to me again.

2008-09-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

I want to see in your mind more than I did.
I want to know what you know.
Because I won't think you're crazy.
Because they think I'm crazy.
"Sketched out."
No. I'm not.
I know this to be true.
No, I don't want to talk about it.
No, I don't want you to agree with it.
But I don't want you to call me crazy.
"To go insane you must, at some point, be sane."
Maybe I was.
Maybe I never was.

Maybe you feel just like me. Maybe no one does.
I think the latter.

I've got my hand over my heart. The beating is there, but just barely. It's too faint to be real.

The lack of blood is inhuman.

Three degrees off normal.

Lock me up and throw away the key. I know you want to.

This is only getting worse.
My mind is only getting scarier.

Tell me it freaks you out, imagine how I feel.
I'm stuck with it eating away at me 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. 52 weeks a year.
I can't get away. Ever.

I'm creating a new world. A small imaginary one with angry people. The way people look without their masks.
The way they talk without the recordings.

It's mean and angry and intolerable and I love it.

"Doesn't matter how you feel, life's just a ferris wheel."

2008-09-27T21:20:00.001-07:00

My mind is at total peace.
Tonight was amazing.
I haven't been this content in a while.
I saw into a mind so beautiful...so magnificently amazing...I can't even believe.
Goodnight, world.
I've fallen back in love.

Tripping eyes...

2008-09-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

Lethargic minds.
Vomit me back into the pit of God's stomach and churn me up.
Naturality in reverse and upside down.
Hold my hand until never. And then some more.
I don't know how to say what I need to without being put away.
To go insane you must, at some point, be sane.
Don't know what's left and right or up and down,
when I'm on my back at the bottom of this well.
There was a light, but someone covered it and now I can't see.
Reality hurts worst when you're sober.
Been eating pills like candy and murdering my stomach.
I thought I was seeing a brighter tomorrow, but it turned into a darker yesterday.
And I can't promise you that I'll come out in one piece this time.
Don't worry about me, because I'm fine. Or I will be someday.
Maybe.
I just want someone that doesn't only care so I care back.
Because that's not always the case.
And no, I don't love you like I did yesterday.
And I'll probably love you less tomorrow.
And so on and so forth...
Get me out of mind because I'm almost out of time,
to save myself and them before the whole game's over.
And before you're gone forever.

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me.

2008-09-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

The best of us can find happiness in misery.

I think the world is jealous of something we have and they don't. The tortured, morbid minds that will never ever fit in. It's something they want, but it would kill them to have. We're special to have it, even if we don't want it.
Because not just anyone could deal with thoughts like these.
The constant plans to kill other people and yourself.
The neverending fear of things that don't exist.
The inability to sleep despite the fact that your mind is shut off.
What are we?
Who are we?
Are we just more kids...adults even, with messed up minds? Or are we something more.
Maybe we're a missing piece in a puzzle of billions. The ones that are there, you just can't find them.
Until everything else is in place. Then they show up...
I think that's us.
I think we mean more to this joke than we realize.
We are the punchline that no one gets.

2008-09-24T19:42:00.001-07:00

She writes hate in big red letter cos that's all she'll ever know.